little fish big pond syndrome

the bethesda chevy chase area is blatantly wealthy. when i arrived as a bright eyed 14 year old, coming back from another country in which i was the conspicuous fish in a big pond, i felt the inconsequence seep in.

i suppose i don't believe in abrupt realizations. my life has not happened that way. moreover, when i was young i tried to fit that narrative onto my experience which only frustrated me when i realized that my realizations were repetitious and lead to rampant romanticism (the kind that involves boys, not the kind that involves literature and art).

seeping in. slowly engulfing. like credit card debt rather than the immediate smack of a student loan payment demand after the fantasy life ends.

i don't know how i survived high school, my memories are blurry. it is dawning on me at this moment that the clearest memories i can retrieve happened in and around the music classrooms. another story.

but living in this area, i infected myself with comparisonitis. i was sure of three things: i'm not as rich as anyone else, i'm not as pretty and i'm not as smart. my class consciousness informed my understanding that you can buy beauty and intelligence. shopping in georgetown and SAT prep. naturally i became an anarchist.

i was just discussing with jen about the philosophy of avoidance although i had brought it up while misunderstanding what she was talking about. anyway, with my immature understanding of myself and the world, i chose to base my philosophy on the idea of "fuck you". government tends to start wars and oppress people. so fuck government. men tend to hurt women. so fuck men. in fact, heterosexual relationships are oppressive. fuck relationships. and the other part of my brain, or perhaps the same part, at the same time, reminds itself gently that the only reason i am frustrated by the government is because i care about people and therefore i care about the government. the only reason i am frustrated by men is because i want to love them and wish for love in return. i resisted make up while feeling inadequate without it.

avoidance is incomplete and unbalanced. happiness centers on embracing.

anyway, bethesda chevy chase. rather than out of place, i now just feel like i've cheated the system, being here. but when i tell people where i live, i reflexively explain that i live in the "ghetto" of chevy chase, an apartment building, and we're not rich, in a tone bordering on both arrogance and a little embarrassment. what a tiny manifestation of class consciousness but it's my piece to make sense of.

i dream of living in a studio in the city. something old and airy, proud of its exposed entrails. but i don't really care, i just want a place with a butsudan and a kitchen of my own. my anarchy days are long gone. i've found much more of myself since then. i need a suit.

well, i know what i have to do.