saying less

the more i do, the less i want to say. i am seeing a sharper view of reality in my new position in the after-school program, but when i come home all i want to do is talk about other things, to not relate what i'm seeing to a broader picture, to watch the leaves change, to play guitar, to move on. i realize that i complained so much before because of my uncertainty, and now that i am more certain in general about things, whether they are good or bad, i complain less. i speak less. i write less.

but what i do say, i want it to count. and what i read and observe has meaning when it didn't before. i don't want to waste my time. kant would call that liberation. (at the risk of using excessive profundity... i'm only using this blog as i would use sleep: to organize my thoughts and make permanent certain neural paths)

marriage is so theoretically weird

my first reaction to married couples who appear happy with each other is mild surprise and puzzlement. my parents are happily married, don't get me wrong. but i've never been in a relationship that lasted more than a year, and knowing what i know about the inherent difficulties of two humans maintaining a long term relationship (with economic, social, cultural, religious, familial and other elements) a marriage that lasts shocks me more than a marriage that ends.

so often i feel that divorce should be celebrated as much as marriage.

anyway i'm not comfortable with my lukewarm philosophical understanding of marriage. i know these things:
1. the human species is not biologically monogamous
2. the human species is not biologically heterosexual
3. the nuclear family has no biological basis. the village raised the child.
4. the commonly held notion of love/romance began during the industrial revolution and until then american marriages were just like any other: business arrangements.

marriage, you stand on shaky ground. the ground of modern cultural assumptions based on economic trends.

but it's really appealing. (yes, i am a product of my culture)

blank don't equal smart.

the y chromosome is significantly smaller than the x. is this reasonable evidence that women are better than men? no. so why is it that i often feel that guys, the vast majority of whom are taller than me, judge my intelligence by my size/gender?

that's not exactly the right illustration. i just get this feeling that while my inclination is to try to be reasonable and listen closely to the person i'm speaking with, often straight men take this to mean i'm not really sure of what i'm saying. that i'm being cute.

is this feeling justified in a majority of cases? is it entirely a delusion on my part? am i assuming the worst of the straight men i interact with? i've had too many experiences in which the straight man i was speaking with had a different agenda that i think i've become better at spotting them.

how sad it is that people rarely engage in meaningful conversation. and sadder still that the genders can't exchange ideas honestly without there being some alternate motive. the honest exchange of ideas must include the full participation of all parties involved.

but as women, what is our method of trust regarding straight men? we have to be discerning in some way. the ears of others are not in our control, only our own mouths. so what information are they hearing, and how different is it from what we intended?

i want to be perceived as intelligent, not cute, when i'm discussing serious matters, which i would rather discuss more often. but intelligent is synonymous with off-putting when the society is anti-intellectual.

good night