patriarchy gives us hate, so let's move on

my patience for humanity has sunk into a puddle these past few days. mainly because of a movie that has come out that encourages rape.

oh, i should mention that the guy who made the movie doesn't think the legal definition of rape applies to him. i'm just gonna guess it's because he's white. white guys can't be rapists right? i mean, rapists are like black vampires, who attack (white, the only victim that counts) women in dark alleys. that is if you think rape even happens. "rape" implies that women need to give consent. but objects don't have free will.

here's the thing: culture of terrorism=culture of rape=culture of greed=patriarchy.

you want patriarchy? get out of my country, find an island, hopefully with a temporarily inactive volcano, for you and your hateful friends to punch each other in the face all day on.

that all being said, i absolutely appreciate so much in my life. and i have to make so much effort to not give in to fear. i want to live an exciting life, to experience variety. i appreciate the people in my life.

appreciating my enemies and obstacles is a goal i have as a buddhist, but holy motherfucking crap that's a tough goal.

misogynists are extreme narcissists, they cannot imagine a woman enjoying her life without a man. but when you're that narcissistic, why not just date yourself? i mean, if men are the better gender you should be gay, and if you are the best person on the planet why waste time with other people? in other words, go fuck yourself. pathetic.

i am rambling, i'm at my wits end. i have to overcome these fears i have as a result of the complexities of the examined female life.

madness!

saw one of those ads on facebook. it said "is mad men sexist?" obviously, wanting you to have your knee jerk reaction, prompting you to click and share your half baked thoughts. so i did. except mine are fully cooked, thank you very much. yes, i judge myself well.

it just made me appreciative of the show, though. mad men is feminist literature. it's humanist. i must remind myself of sources of hope when so many sources of hopelessness vie for attention.

hate, pity, compassion (sexism, disablism)

a new movie is out. it's called i hope they serve beer in hell or some bullshit.

i don't need to get into how obviously terrible it is. don't read about it, don't watch it, i say this for your own sanity. i have certainly read enough to need some serious self-therapy. deep breaths. repeating to myself "this does not signify the lowest point in human history".

i am trying to do mental metamorphoses: the hate boils up, "i hate this man who did this, i hate what he says about women and people with disabilities", but i try to turn it into pity: "this man, and the women who support him, have deep psychological issues and their lives will never rise above the lowest form of barbarism" and i can bring true pity for them out of my mind. but compassion? compassion is so difficult.

but how can i ever talk about compassion if i can't have it for all people, no matter what terrible things they do?

this is a bourgeois white guy, the perfect storm of oppressor-hood, personified. he feels no responsibility, he feels no purpose for his life. he is a robot.

he makes me want to hate men.

but i am able-bodied and i vehemently support people with disabilities. i am many things that people could blame me for, because of my associations with oppressor identities, and i can't judge all men by the actions of the worst of them. men can be compassionate.

men can be compassionate. keep saying that to yourself when you read rape statistics or read about this movie. there are good men out there.

this guy really hates people with disabilities. lots of people do. and it can come in the form of pity or stupid jokes. either way, it's hate, it's dehumanization. but people who are comfortable with their hate are truly deserving of pity. i hate/pity this man.

people who are different, who struggle, are lucky. i guess pierre teilhard de chardin said we are spiritual beings on a human journey. our spiritual aspect needs challenge to develop. humans who have it easy, who can oppress other people out of negligence or active hate, are thoroughly disadvantaged and are pitiful. unless they learn.

If you like cooking, but not that much

i love cooking, but sometimes am very lazy about it. this is a recipe i recommend if you're like me:

pilsbury thin pizza crust (in a tube, delicious.)
one can of chopped tomatoes, drained
half a block of "vegan gourmet" mozzarella
mushrooms, other veggies
fresh basil
some garlic from a jar (no chopping needed!)

you know what to do. bake it at like 350 for around 10-15 minutes until the crust gets brown. put the basil on first, or put it on after you've baked the pizza. raw basil is good. the mozzarella isn't going to melt like cow cheese, but you don't care about superficial things like that.


this pizza doesn't get totally crispy, but it's really good. the crust has enough salt and oil in it so i don't add any. kidney beans taste good on this pizza, or you can splurge and add light life pepperoni. i don't think most vegan meats are really worth the price, they're tasty but you can just use beans or tofu and flavor them yourself and it's much cheaper.

secede!

i've had this opinion for a while now, but i'm now glad to see that the people it concerns have begun to agree. the whole glen beck conservative white racist paranoid-about-socialism movement that has sprung up like an irritating rash has been yelling about seceding, among other crazy treasonous things.

if the bible belt wants to secede, the rest of the country will be much better off. not only because the national political debate will become a little more logical and level-headed, but also for the following reasons that i'm sure many are aware of:
1. divorce rates will decrease
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/14/weekinreview/14pamb.html
2. teen pregnancy rates will decrease
http://blogs.chicagotribune.com/news_columnists_ezorn/2005/10/red_state_famil.html
3. the poverty rate will decrease
http://www.visualizingeconomics.com/2007/08/11/united-states-poverty-map/
4. we will be healthier and live longer
http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/19/health-habits-vs-life-expectancy-vs-spending/

want more stats? they're easy to find. google it.

i'm trying to have compassion for these insane ultra-conservatives, but it's very difficult. they obviously don't even care about themselves with these statistics. it's organized sado-masochism. and i don't swing that way.

california- joni mitchell (my new anthem?)

Sitting in a park in paris, france
Reading the news and it sure looks bad
They wont give peace a chance
That was just a dream some of us had
Still a lot of lands to see
But I wouldnt want to stay here
Its too old and cold and settled in its ways here
Oh, but california
California Im coming home
Im going to see the folks I dig
Ill even kiss a sunset pig
California Im coming home

I met a redneck on a grecian isle
Who did the goat dance very well
He gave me back my smile
But he kept my camera to sell
Oh the rogue, the red red rogue
He cooked good omelettes and stews
And I might have stayed on with him there
But my heart cried out for you, california
Oh california Im coming home
Oh make me feel good rockn roll band
Im your biggest fan
California, Im coming home

Oh it gets so lonely
When youre walking
And the streets are full of strangers
All the news of home you read
Just gives you the blues
Just gives you the blues

So I bought me a ticket
I caught a plane to spain
Went to a party down a red dirt road
There were lots of pretty people there
Reading rolling stone, reading vogue
They said, how long can you hang around?
I said a week, maybe two,
Just until my skin turns brown
Then Im going home to california
California Im coming home
Oh will you take me as I am
Strung out on another man
California Im coming home

Oh it gets so lonely
When youre walking
And the streets are full of strangers
All the news of home you read
More about the war
And the bloody changes
Oh will you take me as l am?
Will you take me as l am?
Will you?

--------------------------------------------
not that i'm going back anytime soon. someday i will.

fall

the fall air is thick. reminding me, reminding me, when i'm outside, that it's here, all over my skin and deep in my lungs. a touch is the only true reminder of someone's presence. fall has depth of personality that other seasons lack. fall is the year's existential crisis. am i here? it asks. feel me. but you don't have to comment on me, i just want to feel that you know. not like the insecurities of summer and winter, wearing garish clothes and playing pranks. fall just wants to sit with you in the corner of the party, and listen to you talk about a book you both have read. dim and deep and understated, fall is the year's exhalation.

january sunset in DC

i look forward to this winter, and the fall has settled in nicely. last winter was heart tempering. a lovely, incredible time for suffering and illumination. these are some photos i haven't shared with anyone of DC from january. i don't care what symbolism the washington monument is associated with, i don't care about the dull stink of impotence that emanates from the capitol building. at least, not right now. at the moment of these photos i didn't care. i was cold and alone and free. returning from playing the foreigner again. it was the beginning of my New DC Experience.

little fish big pond syndrome

the bethesda chevy chase area is blatantly wealthy. when i arrived as a bright eyed 14 year old, coming back from another country in which i was the conspicuous fish in a big pond, i felt the inconsequence seep in.

i suppose i don't believe in abrupt realizations. my life has not happened that way. moreover, when i was young i tried to fit that narrative onto my experience which only frustrated me when i realized that my realizations were repetitious and lead to rampant romanticism (the kind that involves boys, not the kind that involves literature and art).

seeping in. slowly engulfing. like credit card debt rather than the immediate smack of a student loan payment demand after the fantasy life ends.

i don't know how i survived high school, my memories are blurry. it is dawning on me at this moment that the clearest memories i can retrieve happened in and around the music classrooms. another story.

but living in this area, i infected myself with comparisonitis. i was sure of three things: i'm not as rich as anyone else, i'm not as pretty and i'm not as smart. my class consciousness informed my understanding that you can buy beauty and intelligence. shopping in georgetown and SAT prep. naturally i became an anarchist.

i was just discussing with jen about the philosophy of avoidance although i had brought it up while misunderstanding what she was talking about. anyway, with my immature understanding of myself and the world, i chose to base my philosophy on the idea of "fuck you". government tends to start wars and oppress people. so fuck government. men tend to hurt women. so fuck men. in fact, heterosexual relationships are oppressive. fuck relationships. and the other part of my brain, or perhaps the same part, at the same time, reminds itself gently that the only reason i am frustrated by the government is because i care about people and therefore i care about the government. the only reason i am frustrated by men is because i want to love them and wish for love in return. i resisted make up while feeling inadequate without it.

avoidance is incomplete and unbalanced. happiness centers on embracing.

anyway, bethesda chevy chase. rather than out of place, i now just feel like i've cheated the system, being here. but when i tell people where i live, i reflexively explain that i live in the "ghetto" of chevy chase, an apartment building, and we're not rich, in a tone bordering on both arrogance and a little embarrassment. what a tiny manifestation of class consciousness but it's my piece to make sense of.

i dream of living in a studio in the city. something old and airy, proud of its exposed entrails. but i don't really care, i just want a place with a butsudan and a kitchen of my own. my anarchy days are long gone. i've found much more of myself since then. i need a suit.

well, i know what i have to do.

why not?

this is my declaration that i live in DC and am sinking into loyalty for it like being eaten by a large overstuffed couch... or a venus fly trap. loyalty is not a word i generally use in a positive way. this is a new feeling, and it's good. i think it's called home.

i tried to escape DC my whole life, only to be sucked back in time and again by what could be called circumstances but really should be labeled choices because that's what they were.

what a flawed city. a vehemently self-loathing place, like a good poet. destroying herself with cigarettes and ashing on the work produced out of her confusion, but the work itself cleans up beautifully. the audience applauds, although they may not really understand.

is DC more complicated or worth writing about than another city? i don't believe in loyalty at the expense of what you haven't declared loyalty to although that is a contradiction so maybe i should just say DC is where i am and want to be at this moment of my life, which is hurling around.